MY GENES ARE YELLING AT ME AGAIN
What is perhaps most frustrating is reading through old material and realising that, barring changes in age and location, shit is still pretty much the same. There might be a good deal of improvement, sure, but the core fucking issue is still goddamn there.
There’s this monolithic problem that sits atop my life, a colossal wall of but I don’t want to or maybe tomorrow or fuck I could really do with a great jacking off right now. I chip away at it from time to time, but the boulder blocking the way still rests invulnerable with inertia.
This is a forum post I where I put up an excerpt from a private journal I was keeping in October of 2013. Again, barring details, it word-for-word describes what I’m still stuck with:
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This is an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote today. There’s a lengthy chunk of text that precedes the discussion of vulnerability, which has been highlighted in bold, so feel free to skip towards the end. I’ve added a note or two clarifying points I thought were pertinent.
[Background: Times have been tough lately, fell off the wagon with my general routine of studying, exercise, cooking, cleaning etc. Had a moment of weakness on Thursday where I began texting my ex, being needy as fuck, looking to her for comfort as I did in the past. She was unreceptive.]
I’ve continually made it clear to myself that once I find someone else, all of this desperation and neediness surrounding my ex will evaporate. Lately, I’ve used E——*, the engaged girl I approached in biochemistry, as an example of the type of person that waits for me if I persevere. Even just passing her on campus today and talking for a minute or two, I felt loads better. Continue reading