Oasis – End of Week 12 – 3rd of February 2014

Holy shit am I mad right now.

Or I was mad, thirty minutes ago. Now I’m hammering this out on my phone in the gym in-between sets of squats.

My ex got into fucking medicine.

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My ex, who cried over the phone when she was failing high-school physics. Whose sense of humor was so painfully mundane I died a little bit more inside every time she didn’t get one of my jokes. Whose most insightful comment into any interpersonal problem was ‘everything happens for a reason’.

She is now studying Bachelor of motherfucking Medicine, Bachelor of motherfucking Surgery.

Continue reading

Windfall – End of Week 11 – 27th of January 2014

This year is going to be interesting, at the very least.

The last few days back on campus have made me feel like I’m approaching the tipping point, the breakthrough that all of the painful years since puberty have been leading up to.

Though I’m getting tired of having to bring it up all the time, I should probably start off this post with how much my ex has been on my mind, especially the drunk texting episode I had two nights ago; and the fact that I ran into her in person today for the first time since the break-up nine months ago. Continue reading

Cabin Fever – End of Week 10 – 20th of January 2014

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Cabin fever really, really fucks with me.

My MacBook died on, what was it, Wednesday? I take it in, standing in the iStore amidst the bustling crowds of the financially overburdened. They tell me the hard-drive broke. The expensive-as-fuck, solid-state drive just said fuck it, I’m out and obliterated itself.

This felt unfair. The worst I stored on it was one porn video, right there smack-bang in the ‘Videos’ folder. The title was in Spanish. It was amateur, of a couple. Harmless shit. There were no barely-legal teens harmed in the making. There is no cause for digital karmic rebalance.

Anyway. I wasn’t terribly perturbed, since all of my academic work consists of flash cards that are backed up on the ‘net and various other devices. I lost perhaps 12 hours of other work, but all things considered, I wasn’t punished nearly severely enough for ignoring the daily warnings to back up my system. I thought I lucked out: I could fetch my old Dell monstrosity from my flat and use it in the meantime. What’s more, since the cooling system on it is fucked, I also had an excuse to haul my 27” monitor, keyboard and Razer™ Naga® Gaming Mouse with me. This meant that I could leave my laptop closed and upside down, vents facing upward and unobstructed, and ‘work’ (read: play DotA 2) with ease. I also had an excuse not to go into the office.

So I thought things were looking up. Continue reading

Testicular Sovereignty – End of Week 9 – 13th of January 2013

MY GENES ARE YELLING AT ME AGAIN

MY GENES ARE YELLING AT ME AGAIN

What is perhaps most frustrating is reading through old material and realising that, barring changes in age and location, shit is still pretty much the same. There might be a good deal of improvement, sure, but the core fucking issue is still goddamn there.

There’s this monolithic problem that sits atop my life, a colossal wall of but I don’t want to or maybe tomorrow or fuck I could really do with a great jacking off right now. I chip away at it from time to time, but the boulder blocking the way still rests invulnerable with inertia.

This is a forum post I where I put up an excerpt from a private journal I was keeping in October of 2013. Again, barring details, it word-for-word describes what I’m still stuck with:

*     *     *

This is an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote today. There’s a lengthy chunk of text that precedes the discussion of vulnerability, which has been highlighted in bold, so feel free to skip towards the end. I’ve added a note or two clarifying points I thought were pertinent.

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[Background: Times have been tough lately, fell off the wagon with my general routine of studying, exercise, cooking, cleaning etc. Had a moment of weakness on Thursday where I began texting my ex, being needy as fuck, looking to her for comfort as I did in the past. She was unreceptive.]

I’ve continually made it clear to myself that once I find someone else, all of this desperation and neediness surrounding my ex will evaporate. Lately, I’ve used E——*, the engaged girl I approached in biochemistry, as an example of the type of person that waits for me if I persevere. Even just passing her on campus today and talking for a minute or two, I felt loads better. Continue reading

Motherfucking Update – End of Week 8 – 6th of January 2014

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I had about two hours of cooking and commuting to think about this post before I started writing. My first instinct was to write some morose account of my most recent chickenshit antics regarding my ex and other futile female pursuits. Fortunately, though, that inner voice of no fuck you piped up and compelled me to look on the motherfucking bright side.

So here goes:

Motherfucking Academics –  Though I’m way behind schedule, the anatomy flashcarding is finally drawing to a close. Continue reading

Full Circle – End of Week 7 – 30-31st December 2013

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On the eve of the New Year, I sat on top of a mountain overlooking my city, witnessing the fireworks display.

Though I felt I should have thought of something profound, that I should have expressed some sort of meaningful sentiment, that I should have reflected on the year just past in the most serious way possible, nothing came up. In previous years, I would romanticize the recent past, portraying the previous 12 moths as some kind of noble, heroic struggle of growth and achievement.

But I couldn’t. I knew there was nothing to be said, that this arbitrary change of year had little personal significance, that the change in the course of my life was to be found not in the resolutions made at the stroke of midnight, but rather the countless ‘forgotten and uneventful’ days throughout the year. As I heard the music raging around the bay below, while I gazed across the vast expanse of bright and flashing lights signalling raucous celebrations, I felt no envy or melancholy. I did not want to be down there with them. I simply wished to retreat to bed, and rest in preparation for a day that would be spent in a way practically indistinguishable from hundreds to come.

One day, I might return to this city, to these lights, this music, this mountain; one day I might return to join the others down in the bay.

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Resensitization – End of Week 6 – 23rd December 2013

It’s finally starting to pay off.

The potency of my previous pitfalls has begun to decrease. It feels like I’ve scoured every inch of the internet for something that satisfies the conditions of ‘interesting, entertaining and unproductive’; I’m struggling to find anything new.

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Online dating has sated my ego. Save for one person, I don’t reply to anyone on OkCupid anymore. 99% of the profiles have blurred together into an endless stream of unsatisfactory candidates. The good-looking ones are boring and inarticulate. The smart ones are fat or ugly. The interesting ones are intriguing because they have mountains of baggage. The funny ones restrict their wit to ironic one-liners; they’re way too cool for this shit anyway. I’m only on the site to fuck around and to keep talking to the one girl who ticks all the boxes because I don’t have Facebook. I’m planning on meeting her in July when I head to New York for a congress. If shit does go well, I’ll probably only see her for a few weeks at the most, which makes this kind of pointless. Fuck it; it’s something.

YouTube can’t keep me around for long either. Watching E-sports casting channels drives me away with feelings of boredom and guilt. Screenjunkies and Cinemasins don’t release content often enough. Brosciencelife makes me want to go to the gym. PUA/game channels can’t tell me anything I don’t know already. JennaMarbles either makes me want to look up porn or ask myself why I’m spending my life listening to a middle-aged woman explain the finer details of female nuisances.

Reddit and forums are filled with egotistic circle-jerks. 4chan is angsty and juvenile. Twitter consists entirely of advertising or tryhards attempting outwit each other. I have a morbid fear of reactivating my Facebook account because my ex was unblocked when I deactivated it, which means I’ll have a fucking heart attack when I see her name and thumbnail in the ‘People you may know’ panel.

And as for video games: Continue reading