Because there’s too much to cover. I don’t know where to begin. Do I cover past, present or future? There’s so much shit going on in my life right now, to try and right some half-funny half-asspained blog post covering it all would be impossible. Continue reading
Of course, shit ain’t that easy. I’ve spent my entire life discovering and habituating methods of escape; they’re probably hiding in every thing I do from dawn till dusk.
I stopped inundating my psyche with gold and levels and kill-to-death ratios, and inadvertently used information instead.
Loneliness. It’s my goddamn Achilles heel.
No matter what I do on campus, no matter what I get right while studying or working out or whatever, the need to just converse with someone is always there. I could be dominating my academics, going from strength to strength in the gym, have all other areas of my life going swimmingly, but it don’t mean shit for my general mental well-being if I don’t like, you know, interact with people.
I haven’t posted anything in weeks because I’ve felt there’s nothing new to write about.
I’m still struggling to care enough about my academics to actually study. I replace study time with DotA 2.
Approaching and engaging with women has become exceedingly easy. When I recall the shit I’ve pulled off over the course of approximately the last year I’m hit by the sudden realization that chicks like me and they want to fuck me. Continue reading
There’s been a good deal of scientific literature published on the distinction between neurological circuits that produce the feeling of liking something as opposed to wanting it. For example, mice with a hyperdopaminergic neuronal environment (i.e. they are mutants that are motivated as fuck because their brains are flooded with Nature’s speed) exhibit more wanting behavior – the feeling that drives organisms to action – but have no change in liking behavior i.e. how much they fancy a particular thing.
This perhaps explains why stimulants like caffeine and Adderall are so goddamn effective when it comes to getting work done. A shitton of chemicals that make you want to complete the task get released, motivating you to get started. These chemicals might even exert the magical effect of making once boring and tedious work somehow interesting – the mecca of productive mindsets.
This phenomenon, of liking and wanting, also likely elucidates why it’s so goddamn difficult for me to get and keep my life on track.
So, in the interests of science, I did something fucking stupid today. Continue reading
On the eve of the New Year, I sat on top of a mountain overlooking my city, witnessing the fireworks display.
Though I felt I should have thought of something profound, that I should have expressed some sort of meaningful sentiment, that I should have reflected on the year just past in the most serious way possible, nothing came up. In previous years, I would romanticize the recent past, portraying the previous 12 moths as some kind of noble, heroic struggle of growth and achievement.
But I couldn’t. I knew there was nothing to be said, that this arbitrary change of year had little personal significance, that the change in the course of my life was to be found not in the resolutions made at the stroke of midnight, but rather the countless ‘forgotten and uneventful’ days throughout the year. As I heard the music raging around the bay below, while I gazed across the vast expanse of bright and flashing lights signalling raucous celebrations, I felt no envy or melancholy. I did not want to be down there with them. I simply wished to retreat to bed, and rest in preparation for a day that would be spent in a way practically indistinguishable from hundreds to come.
One day, I might return to this city, to these lights, this music, this mountain; one day I might return to join the others down in the bay.
So many things have crossed my mind recently that I’ve wanted to write about.
The huge ego boost that comes with unsolicited messages and high response rates on OkCupid.
How video games and the Internet are perhaps the greatest scourge of my neurological function.
The painful thoughts and reminders of my ex that stem from the fact that I’m trying to live the old deadbeat life without the redeeming factor of having an attractive person to have regular sex with.
However, all of these have a common theme of having the same solution (yes, OkCupid needs a solution, since I don’t actually live on the same continent as the cities I’m listed in).
A few months ago I traced the root cause of any trouble I had to not staying the course. Those three words, staying the course, encompassed a way of living where nothing could go wrong, where there was no grief, no regret, no disappointment. There was loads of pain, sure, but following that path, day after day, could only lead to a positive outcome; a life devoid of suffering.
I’ve distinguished between pain and suffering before, in my perspective. It’s been said before with sayings like “Trials and tribulations are mandatory in life; pain and suffrage are optional.” However, I think it’s especially pertinent to the set of circumstances I find myself in. Raised on escapism, I was under the impression that ‘living well’ meant leading a life devoid of any kind of pain, instead of the reality of being wise enough to subject oneself to the right kinds of pain.
And that is effectively what staying the course meant. Continue reading