Loneliness. It’s my goddamn Achilles heel.
No matter what I do on campus, no matter what I get right while studying or working out or whatever, the need to just converse with someone is always there. I could be dominating my academics, going from strength to strength in the gym, have all other areas of my life going swimmingly, but it don’t mean shit for my general mental well-being if I don’t like, you know, interact with people.
I used to think I could fix this with girls: just continually approach and pull and date and fuck one after the other. In the moment, it feels fine, sure. But these things don’t last. I keep blowing it with the ones I want to keep seeing. My standards for a continued relationship are extremely high; the girls I pursue have got their shit together and can easily spot a guy who doesn’t.
But that’s fine. If it weren’t like that then any chucklefuck with a dick and a voice could pick up the chicks I’m after.
Recently, I’ve tried building friendships. After spending time with one or two guys, I get that same feeling of companionship and solidarity that makes the feeling of isolation disappear like mist under the sun.
Unfortunately, I fucking suck at making and keeping friends. My self-esteem is a gigantic clusterfuck. With chicks, it’s easier: I just pull out my endearing charm and fall back on my looks when I fuck up. With dudes, I don’t know what the fuck to do. Of course, the same principles still apply. Don’t be needy, don’t be desperate, don’t be stifling. Except I’m all of those things. Constantly.
When the familiar angst and dread starts gaining momentum in my chest I frantically reach out to the one guy I’ve made friends with so that I can feel better. The thing is, this happens all the fucking time. This campus perpetually wages a war of attrition against my will to confront the day. I keep messaging this guy, asking him where he is, does he want to smoke a joint, does he want to study someplace, does he want to go out. I just fucking want someone there that I can talk to.
Of course, this inevitably results in the guy getting creeped out and replying less and less because jesus, this pathetic loser won’t shut the fuck up and constantly needs his hand to be held.
I know I should back the fuck up and stop asking to hang out every goddamn day but holy shit, the feeling of loneliness and isolation is so perennial and crippling that I’d rather potentially sabotage the friendship in the hopes of getting some companionship than exercise some perseverance and patience.
This is perhaps why I pine for a steady girlfriend all the goddamn time. The forces of passion and intimacy will drive two people so close together that neither of them should feel lonely at any time. But that shit ain’t happening any time soon, because I still need to fix myself up a bit more.
It’s just so goddamn painful to do it alone.