It’s been a while.
I’ve been doing a lot of drugs lately.
Well, not drugs drugs. A few psychoactive chemicals only one of which abuts into the realm of illegality.
Bupropion. 300mg extended release, acts via serotonergic and noradrenergic reuptake inhibition, once daily. Been taking this since forever. Don’t really know if it’s still making a difference; I don’t feel much different when I miss a day. Apparently it potentiates other shit. Who knows. Every person’s reaction to a certain drug is subject to the impenetrable black box of metabolic and physiological idiosyncrasies. I don’t want to go off it because the withdrawal might fuck me. Or it won’t. I don’t have the will to find out.
Caffeine. My tolerance to caffeine is sky-high at this point. There have been several stretches in the last few years where, every morning, I chug a can of energy drink with my meds before I even get in the shower. By the time I’ve toweled myself off I’m usually awake enough to get on with the day. If I were to stop now I’d likely turn into a catatonic zombie who has zero impetus to do anything whatsoever. Not ideal.
Weed. Tetrahydrocannabinol, cannabidiol, and any other of the dozen-or-so active cannabinoids that I began experimenting with a few weeks ago. At first, the novelty of the experience is what kept me interested: buying my own weed, rolling it myself, smoking alone or with friends, at my own leisure. My first rationale for continued use was that it was an anxiolytic and would help me not being so fucking wired all the time. Then, it was justified as a sleeping aid. Then, it was used as a means to let my sober self go and rest for a few hours when I was alone at my flat at the end of the day and felt the usual angst clawing at my sternum. I’ve grown somewhat bored of it: it’s similar to alcohol in that I can’t do shit while I’m on it except for acting like a retard. It might be fun to do it with a girl sometime, pre/during/post-coitus. For the time being, I’ll just keep my stash and see when it becomes useful.
Nicotine. The most recent addition. Smoking weed for the last few weeks has acclimatized my virgin airways to acrid, unfiltered smoke, so now I can actually breathe in combusted tobacco without coughing my lungs the fuck out. So, Sunday night, me and a friend of mine head outside as a study break. He rolls one, and I ask if I can bum one off him, to keep my hands busy. I breathe in, giving gas-exchange ample time to occur. Suddenly, I get a massive head-rush. I feel dizzy. Then, it stabilizes, and I’m simultaneously both focused and euphoric. After we go back in I study like a machine for three hours. On Monday, I buy a pack of 10 Marlboros and smoked one each time I felt tired. Fatigue disappeared instantly after the first drag, every time. Work got done. Motivation was present. It was fucking great.
Of course, there’s also the fact that smoking tobacco is fucking bad for you. But if I had to choose between knocking five years off my lifespan or having my academic career in perpetual deadlock, well, shit, it took me about five minutes to come to a decision.
Also, I got laid off Tinder. Whilst I was under the influence of weed and ethanol. Never again.