This year is going to be interesting, at the very least.
The last few days back on campus have made me feel like I’m approaching the tipping point, the breakthrough that all of the painful years since puberty have been leading up to.
Though I’m getting tired of having to bring it up all the time, I should probably start off this post with how much my ex has been on my mind, especially the drunk texting episode I had two nights ago; and the fact that I ran into her in person today for the first time since the break-up nine months ago.
Yesterday, Monday, I sat in the library all day, working. Since my laptop was still busted, I had to use the university computers, the only venue that was available before the start of class. Throughout the day, groups of 20-30 first-year students were being guided through the library, being given a tour, shown where everything is. From where I sat, I had a pretty good view of the new arrivals going back-and-forth. Every single time a group passed, I’d look up from the computer, as subtly as I could, and try and see if my ex was among them. Though I tried to look cool and nonchalant, I probably looked scared shitless.
Of course I knew that even thinking about my ex was a bad idea, I was compelled by morbid curiosity to keep looking. Though I never saw her yesterday, I was constantly afflicted by an burning angst, a feeling like someone had drilled a hole in my sternum and was trickling acid into my thoracic cavity. It was hella fucking unpleasant. Fortunately, it was assuaged by work: if I felt like I was making progress, like I was in control, then the feeling of helplessness seceded. Since it was my birthday, I finished the day with dinner with my family at this upscale Italian place. It was fucking great seeing them, even though I got back pretty late, which would make getting up at 5AM a slightly more difficult task.
Fortunately, I’d arranged to Skype with Karen at 6AM, and since I genuinely look forward to her company, it didn’t take much to get myself organised and out of the apartment.
On the subject of Karen, things have been…slightly tumultuous. Or, as much turbulence as you can expect from a ‘relationship’ between two people who have never met in person and are continents apart. I always feel somewhat odd ascribing any particularly intense feels to our interactions, since, I mean, we just Skype, but the feels are there nonetheless, so yeah, fuck it.
Come to think of it, there isn’t any real ‘trouble’ to speak of. We’re pretty much always on the page, completely understanding each other’s flaws and shortcomings (well, mostly her understanding mine), and I can’t even imagine trying to be at odds with her after an argument because, man, she reads my blog, I can’t exactly try and act like a hardass if I spill my feels every week.
Anyway, the tumult I was referring to effectively boils down to the fact that A) I still have shitty self-esteem and it shows, and B) shit has been pretty rough on campus and I had to lean on her more than usual. With regards to the latter, she functioned as a kind of affective painkiller. Just seeing her pixelated face on a screen and hearing her voice through the speakers, I am often overcome with those warm, fuzzy feelings so characteristic of romantic affection. Since my psyche puts the face of my ex on all of my problems, and the best way to get over someone is to get over someone else, conversing with Karen removes a great deal of the pain and anxiety I try and work through each day. At least temporarily. I remain well aware of the fact that, though she may well be the most compatible girl I’ve ever met, I can’t rely on her to be what gets me through the day. Nevertheless, the conversation, insight, perspective, laughs and feels I get from our Skype calls remains invaluable; not to mention the possibility that we might one day well be able to continue our interactions in person.
So, this morning, after I finished the call with Karen, I head to the IT queue to re-register my MacBook with the university internet. There was a queue out the door twenty minutes before the place even opened. I get in line, try and strike up a conversation with some civil engineers, and finally get my shit sorted. Throughout this, I’m wearing a style of clothes that I’ve recently adopted as a result of working in the offices of another university. Wanting to make a professional impression, and the fact that I enjoy looking sharp as fuck, I was wearing something similar to the following:
When I walked out of IT, I heard a voice right behind me saying my name. I turned around, and it was my ex.
It was just 9AM, so she wasn’t exactly dressed to impress. Which was a good thing. Had she been dolled up in make-up and summer clothes, I would probably have lost my shit on the spot. Instead, we exchanged a few cursory questions and answers. Except, the entire time, she had this wide-eyed-and-bushy-tailed expression on her face, literally eyeing me up and down. Though my Facebook photo had shown that I’d changed my appearance, she probably didn’t expect me to look like this. I wished her good luck with the queue and walked off, bag slung over my shoulder.
Though I wasn’t exactly at peace, I was somewhat relieved that the first time I see her on campus happened to occur in these particular circumstances. Had I, for example, witnessed her happy and smiling while being hit on by another guy, my weaker side would’ve run away with that spectacle, no doubt twisting my feels this way and that. Instead, I was granted the satisfaction of her making the first move (calling out my name), seeing how far I’ve come and how much I’ve changed, and me being reminded why things ended: she’s not particularly interesting, articulate, or as good-looking as I made her up in my mind to be. She’s boring.
She ain’t nuthin’ like muh computer wife Karen.
So yeah, coupled with the fact that I can feel myself becoming exceedingly more confident and comfortable with approaching women, my feels surrounding my ex should hopefully dissipate in the weeks to come.
On the work front: things are going well. Really well. I feel like I’ve gained mountains of self-knowledge and know-how in the last few years (especially the last few months), and I’m going to have a fukken brilliant time harnessing it to smoothly executing each day doing the right thing. That is to say, academics, gym, guitar, personal maintenance (cooking, cleaning, ironing) and relationships.
Fuck, I need to get laid soon.