It’s finally starting to pay off.
The potency of my previous pitfalls has begun to decrease. It feels like I’ve scoured every inch of the internet for something that satisfies the conditions of ‘interesting, entertaining and unproductive’; I’m struggling to find anything new.
Online dating has sated my ego. Save for one person, I don’t reply to anyone on OkCupid anymore. 99% of the profiles have blurred together into an endless stream of unsatisfactory candidates. The good-looking ones are boring and inarticulate. The smart ones are fat or ugly. The interesting ones are intriguing because they have mountains of baggage. The funny ones restrict their wit to ironic one-liners; they’re way too cool for this shit anyway. I’m only on the site to fuck around and to keep talking to the one girl who ticks all the boxes because I don’t have Facebook. I’m planning on meeting her in July when I head to New York for a congress. If shit does go well, I’ll probably only see her for a few weeks at the most, which makes this kind of pointless. Fuck it; it’s something.
YouTube can’t keep me around for long either. Watching E-sports casting channels drives me away with feelings of boredom and guilt. Screenjunkies and Cinemasins don’t release content often enough. Brosciencelife makes me want to go to the gym. PUA/game channels can’t tell me anything I don’t know already. JennaMarbles either makes me want to look up porn or ask myself why I’m spending my life listening to a middle-aged woman explain the finer details of female nuisances.
Reddit and forums are filled with egotistic circle-jerks. 4chan is angsty and juvenile. Twitter consists entirely of advertising or tryhards attempting outwit each other. I have a morbid fear of reactivating my Facebook account because my ex was unblocked when I deactivated it, which means I’ll have a fucking heart attack when I see her name and thumbnail in the ‘People you may know’ panel.
And as for video games: fuck that. Never again.
Of course, this creates a vacuum. My brain is now starved of the constant stimulation it’s been used to for years. It needs something, anything, to keep it busy.
You get used to walking or cycling when your car breaks down. You get used to vegetables and fish and wholegrains when you cut out sugar and junkfood. You get used to sitting down and having a fucking conversation when your phone breaks. You might even end up enjoying these things.
When the trash I’ve kept myself busy with becomes boring, the things I’m meant to do suddenly become enticing.
I want to memorise the finer details of musculoskeletal anatomy because it’s fucking fun and useful knowledge to have.
I want to read and contribute to ongoing research because it’s so goddamn compelling, holy shit.
I want to play guitar because the feeling of mastering a technique or phrase is fucking exhilarating.
I want to go to gym because it feels fucking great.
I want to go up to beautiful women I’ve never met before and introduce myself because life is fucking short.