Resensitization – End of Week 6 – 23rd December 2013

It’s finally starting to pay off.

The potency of my previous pitfalls has begun to decrease. It feels like I’ve scoured every inch of the internet for something that satisfies the conditions of ‘interesting, entertaining and unproductive’; I’m struggling to find anything new.

Screen Shot 2013-12-23 at 10.15.37 PM

Online dating has sated my ego. Save for one person, I don’t reply to anyone on OkCupid anymore. 99% of the profiles have blurred together into an endless stream of unsatisfactory candidates. The good-looking ones are boring and inarticulate. The smart ones are fat or ugly. The interesting ones are intriguing because they have mountains of baggage. The funny ones restrict their wit to ironic one-liners; they’re way too cool for this shit anyway. I’m only on the site to fuck around and to keep talking to the one girl who ticks all the boxes because I don’t have Facebook. I’m planning on meeting her in July when I head to New York for a congress. If shit does go well, I’ll probably only see her for a few weeks at the most, which makes this kind of pointless. Fuck it; it’s something.

YouTube can’t keep me around for long either. Watching E-sports casting channels drives me away with feelings of boredom and guilt. Screenjunkies and Cinemasins don’t release content often enough. Brosciencelife makes me want to go to the gym. PUA/game channels can’t tell me anything I don’t know already. JennaMarbles either makes me want to look up porn or ask myself why I’m spending my life listening to a middle-aged woman explain the finer details of female nuisances.

Reddit and forums are filled with egotistic circle-jerks. 4chan is angsty and juvenile. Twitter consists entirely of advertising or tryhards attempting outwit each other. I have a morbid fear of reactivating my Facebook account because my ex was unblocked when I deactivated it, which means I’ll have a fucking heart attack when I see her name and thumbnail in the ‘People you may know’ panel.

And as for video games: fuck that. Never again.

Of course, this creates a vacuum. My brain is now starved of the constant stimulation it’s been used to for years. It needs something, anything, to keep it busy.

You get used to walking or cycling when your car breaks down. You get used to vegetables and fish and wholegrains when you cut out sugar and junkfood. You get used to sitting down and having a fucking conversation when your phone breaks. You might even end up enjoying these things.

When the trash I’ve kept myself busy with becomes boring, the things I’m meant to do suddenly become enticing.

I want to memorise the finer details of musculoskeletal anatomy because it’s fucking fun and useful knowledge to have.

I want to read and contribute to ongoing research because it’s so goddamn compelling, holy shit.

I want to play guitar because the feeling of mastering a technique or phrase is fucking exhilarating.

I want to go to gym because it feels fucking great.

I want to go up to beautiful women I’ve never met before and introduce myself because life is fucking short.


3 thoughts on “Resensitization – End of Week 6 – 23rd December 2013

  1. Your posts are great man all of them have been really engrossing and I have been following your journey with great interest. I would love to hear more about what exactly went down with you and your ex. She has been mentioned in a majority of your posts and seems to be an object of pain and motivation for you. I’m sure that a lot of your readers would be interested in a post about the story, but I can understand if that’s something you wouldn’t want to do. Thanks for the great work and keep it up.

    • Yo Kevster, thanks for the compliments, I appreciate it.

      With regards to my ex, it is simultaneously an exceedingly simple and complex story. One the one hand, there’s not really much to say: she was the first person I had sex with, my first girlfriend, my first love, then we broke up when I went to university because I found girls that were way more compatible and interesting. That’s where it should have ended. But, halfway through my first year at university I broke down from loneliness and got back together with her, thereby settling for less instead of grabbing my balls and hunting a fun, challenging interesting girl that would cause me to grow as a person. Over time, I sank into laziness and being a deadbeat while she turned 18, thereby being able to legally get into bars and drive around. She wanted to go out and party, while I was struggling with just trying to keep my head above water with the heavy academic demands of second year. She grew tired and bored of me and left me right before my exams, launching me into what was perhaps the most painful period of my life so far.

      I’ve come out of it a better, stronger, smarter, more capable man, but memories of her still hurt, because she embodied that safe, insulated space where there’d always be someone holding onto me, telling me that shit’s ok and that they love me. Now, I’m out in the wilderness, busting my ass to be happy on my own and build up my identity without the crutches and escape of video games or a sexual relationship.

      There are plenty of logistical details and explanations of how, where and when things happened, but it’s not really relevant.

      Right now, with her unwillingness to engage in anything more than polite and platonic interaction with me, she exists as a firm reminder that that bubble is gone, that there is no going back, that it’s sink or swim.

      That, and the memories some of our times together that I keep in the spank bank. Nigga goddamn.

  2. Pingback: Cabin Fever – End of Week 10 – 20th of January 2014 | Fortune Rota Volvitur

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