Short post, haven’t got much time.
Managed to complete everything yesterday. Well, nearly everything. The timer was running while I was both studying and doing things conducive to studying. Like the post-workout wank that would keep my mind off my ex as things got tough during the last three-hour stretch of memorising anatomy. I didn’t write off the time I spent doing that because it was ‘in the right spirit’, or something. It wasn’t like I was actively rebelling and saying ‘fuck it, who gives a shit, I’m going to procrastinate instead.’ It wasn’t giving up, it was pacing myself.
What I noticed, though, was uncanny: after the first hour or two (which fucking sucked), everything just fell into place. I get into it. At first, my mind squirmed; I felt tired and fatigued and all I wanted to do is to keep my earphones in, put my head down on the desk and listen to Karl Pilkington rag on about how a stapler could evolve into a crocodile or some shit. Thereafter, though, it just came naturally. I don’t have to will myself to keep going, I don’t have to drag myself kicking and screaming into another half-hour of study. It just happens.
However, sooner or later, when the caffeine starts wearing off and I’m staring at another, barely distinguishable block of text or reciting the myriad of answers to the questions on a single flashcard, I start losing focus. I’ll suddenly start thinking of my ex, or what I’m going to eat for my next meal, or whether I’m going to have enough money to survive the month, frivolous distractions that I don’t have time for. What’s frustrating is that it’s not as simple and clear cut as other problems with concentration such as turning on the TV or checking my texts or some shit, where you can just, you know, not do it. It’s insidious, it sneaks in undetected, and before you know it, you’ve spent ten minutes staring at the same sentence while contemplating the finer details of whom your ex might be fucking right now. Ok, it’s usually not that bad, typically it’s some inane shit such as recalling the WoW tanking rotations that were second nature to me not too long ago, but yeah, you get the idea.
Shit, I seem to be three pomodoros behind. Can’t really write off blog posts and journaling as being ‘done with the right intentions’, so I suppose I’ll get back to it.